A Really Bad Day

Today is Saturday, April 9, 2011 and today has been a really, really bad day.

It probably should bother me that I may or may not have a job at the end of next month, or that we don't actually have enough money to buy groceries beyond this week and I don't get paid until the end of the month, but it doesn't.  I guess I'd say it sort of bothers me that it doesn't bother me.  You know, as much sense as that makes.  I guess, on some issues, I'm sort of a fate-ist.  Sometimes something bothers me and makes me really anxious and sometimes something that I really should be anxious about just feels alright.  Serene, almost.  Like I don't need to worry because it's going to be okay.  I guess I've just decided that if it doesn't work out then it's not meant to be.  The money issue - I've got a sort of plan in motion right now to pick up some extra duties for a short while and get paid a small stipend for it, so maybe that's why I'm not worried?  But I don't know that it will work out, which is infinitely frustrating because I'm not worried.

So then why has it been a bad day?  I just feel so lonely.  I'm in a house with three other people - two children and my husband- and I feel all alone.  All  I want to do is eat and sleep, and I've done plenty of both today.  Actually, right at this very moment I have water boiling for some Ramen.  Carbs.  That's all I want to do today - carb load and sleep off the tiring effects.  And I'm going to let myself do it.  I just know that once I finish writing this I'll feel so much better and not want it so bad, but damnit right now I do.

I get into these weird sort of funks where I feel neglected by the world and those that I care about; ignored and meaningless, and the flip side of that is sometimes I feel this way but at the same time like the people who aren't ignoring me are just plain being mean to me, or like life is being mean to me, and to deny myself something that I know will make me feel better feels like I'm being mean to myself.

In this case I feel neglected by my husband.  I've done all that he needs me to do to take care of him, but he has been ignoring me.  Polite words, conversation in passing, but otherwise coexisting, and it's painful to me.  Of course I'm doing this mostly for my health, and mostly for my children, but I won't pretend that my physical appearance isn't part of it.  Damian tells me all the time how he thinks I'm beautiful and that he finds me attractive, but I haven't even gotten a hug and a kiss from him in a week and that makes me feel like an unattractive fat ass and like I'm not important enough to him to make time for me in his busy life.

I'm going through this horrible negotiation period at work over my job.  My supervisor is in my corner, her supervisor is neutral, and the HR woman believes that if I leave they can just find another me with no problem.  Maybe it bothers me the most that her supervisor is neutral.  He knows what was expected of my position and he knows how I've far superseded those expectations.  He knows my work, and yet he remains neutral.  I feel so helpless in this because I don't get to talk to the HR woman myself; we have to go through all these channels and middle men and such.  Why won't they just give me what I deserve?

I suppose that just makes me feel like I'm worthless, even after all I've done.  And I've done a lot.  I've poured everything I have into this job, as I do with each and every job I do.  I went to college to get a job where I'd be appreciated, only to work for the college I attended and  not be appreciated.  It hurts.  A lot.

So I'm going to go eat my Ramen now and probably cry a little about my seemingly meaningless existence, and hate myself in the morning.