The most uncomfortable (and by "uncomfortable", I mean gut-wrenchingly painful) realization that I've come to along this journey is that I am not an emotional overeater.
I've tried to describe this obsessive need to eat to people before, but everyone gives me the same puzzled look and asks, "Have you been checked out to be sure there's nothing medically wrong with you?" Yes! Repeatedly. Because really, if swallowing a pill was going to fix this, I would have pursued that a long time ago.
So I swallowed a pill. Phentermine. Legalized speed. Basically. The change was miraculous, overwhelming to say the least. In a matter of only a few hours I went from nearly every waking thought was about food to not thinking of food at all, finding it unappetizing even. I would wake up in the morning, and my first thought was "what's for breakfast?", even going as far as thinking about lunch before the sun had even risen. I would get anxious around mealtimes, just waiting for my next meal. Thinking about what I was going to eat, how much I was going to eat, and when I was going to eat it consumed my every thought. (Pun intended)
But with the phentermine, it was totally different. When I was bored, I was able to recognize I was bored and not starving. When I was upset, I was able to recognize the emotional feeling without tying it to my previous or next meal. The thing is, I don't just eat when I'm sad, or happy, or angry, or bored. I eat when I'm sad and happy and angry and bored. I eat because I'm breathing; I eat because I woke up that morning.
I've got to say. Disappointment, vulnerability, the true feeling that you've failed, or true remorse unmasked by food or appetite is painful. The first time I felt it, truly felt it, I didn't know what to do with myself. The phentermine took away my inclination to interpret the feeling as hunger or to mask it with endorphins related to tasty food. It was beyond words. In a sense, it blew my mind - at least it blew whatever beliefs I had originally held regarding my eating patterns out of the water.
So sometimes phentermine gives me insomnia and makes it so I can't sleep for days on end. Sometimes phentermine makes me jittery, or makes me feel sort of anxious. At those times, I stop taking it for a while. When I stop taking it for a long while, the old ravenous feelings of hunger come back but I am better equipped to stave them off, but after a while I wear myself down and I'm less equipped to handle these constant urges. That's when I either give in and gain or start taking the phentermine again. I don't allow myself to feel like I've given up by taking it. It's strange because it does weird things to me, and it almost, in a way, feels like a cop-out to me. It does other things besides suppress my appetite; it boost metabolism and gives me a lot of energy. I don't really have to do anything but take a pill in the morning and I'll steadily lose weight. It feels shameful, like I'm taking the easy way out. But I refuse to let myself feel that way, and refuse to allow myself to tell me things like that.
For too long I've allowed other people's opinions to mold my ideas, even when others weren't there to voice them themselves. I constantly turn over and over in my head, what would they think? What would they say? WHY do I feel like this is a cop out? Because I truly feel that way? No. No, I honestly feel the way I've described. I'm not superwoman. It's taken me 20-some years to even feel bad-feeling emotions. It's taken me the same amount of time to admit this is larger than me and I need help to deal with it. I'm proud of myself for being able to recognize when I am too much for me and I need help. I'm proud of myself for getting that help, and I won't let me think poorly of myself for doing so.
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