Drowning

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the business of day to day life.  I'm sure other people feel this way as well, so I know I shouldn't be alone.  There always seems to be so  much to do and so little time to do it in.  Sometimes I have to work late.  Really late.  Like 11 pm 4 days in a row late.  The I feel guilty because I feel like I'm sacrificing time with my children for my career.

So then I stop and get a big mac on my way home because I feel like I've earned it, and that little bit of fullness fills the emptyness I feel when I think of all the time lost with my kids.

I've done a lot for my kids.  I went to school for my kids, so that my kids didn't have to have the life I had when I was younger.  I studied late nights and stressed myself out so that my kids could see the value in education and that when you want something you work hard to get it.  I work late nights for my kids, so that I can continue moving up the career ladder in hopes of having the salary necessary to provide a sizeable college fund and a comfortable existence.  I work late and put my energy into my job so that my kids can be well-connected to important people and have an easy transition into the work force.  I strive to make lots of money so my kids can have all those things that the popular kids had when I was growing up.  So they don't have to be that kid whose parents can't afford nice things for them.

But I hate working so late and so hard.  I hate coming home exhausted every single day.  I hate making excuses to get time off because I feel guilty about taking a day or two for my family or myself.

You know what I wish I could give my kids?  I wish I could give them the realization that nice things and important parents aren't so important in the grand scheme of things.  I wish I could hand down the knowlege that grade school is temporary and, regardless of what "they" say, high school is not the time of your life.

Damian's graduating in less than a month.  We've been busy making preparations for his graduation - letting the family know, rearranging the budget to accomodate the change, planning the next step for each of us.  I have this lingering anxiety because I just know that this transition is going to result in my working harder, working later hours, losing focus on my family and shifting that focus to my career as he assumes full childcare and home duties.  They will need me less, and that hurts, but what hurts most is that I know I will deal with that hurt in one of two ways - either I will work longer and harder and focus on my career or I will stuff my face, and neither of those are appealing to me. 

I also start grad school in the spring and I'm nervously excited about it.  I'm excited to take this step to a new phase of my life; one that represents, in the big picture, a path to a career that better suits my interests and passions and more money.  I just don't want to leave my kids and my husband behind.